First Aid

A squad of Marines drove up the highway between Basra and Baghdad.

They came upon an Iraqi soldier badly injured and unconscious, laying in the middle of the road!

Nearby on the opposite side of the road was an American soldier in a similar state, but he was alert.

As first aid was given to both soldiers, they were asked what had happened.

The Marine responded, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway. Coming south was a heavily armed Iraqi soldier."

"What happened then?", the corpsman asked.

"I yelled at him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable piece of shit, and the Iraqi soldier yelled back at me that Tom Daschle, Ted Kennedy, and Bill Clinton were ALL miserable pieces of shit."

"We were standing there shaking hands when the truck hit us."

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Bad day

This little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink. He's been sitting there for half an hour when this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig.

The poor little guy starts crying.

"Come on man, I was just giving you a hard time," says the truck driver. "I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy between sobs. "I can't do anything right. I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me.

When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I have no insurance. I grabbed a cab home but, after the cab left, I discovered my wallet was left in the cab. At home I found my wife in bed screwing the gardener. So I came to this bar and was thinking about putting an end to my life, and then you show up and drink the damn poison.

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Need A Bad Day to Get Into Heaven

It got crowded in heaven so, for one day and one day only, it was decided to only accept people who had really bad day on the day they died.


St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died." The man said, "Oh, it was awful.
I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, of which I died from."
St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in. He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"

St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job. "Tell me about the day you died?” he said to the third man in line. "OK, picture this; I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."

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Mini skirt

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman who
was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight mini skirt. As the bus
stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her
skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she
reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this
would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step, and, once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step. About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist
and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"
The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we were
friends."

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Deep thoughts

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?
The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.

"Yes I do" she replies.

The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"

"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?"

"I remember that too" she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said......
I would have gotten out today."

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Young Doctor

A doctor was retiring and a younger doctor came in to replace him. The older doctor suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to a new doctor.
At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sick to my stomach."

The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"

As they left the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman. How'd you come to your diagnosis so quickly?"
"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what was probably making her sick."

"Huh," the younger doctor said, "pretty clever. I think I'll try that at the next house."

Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did. "I'm feeling terribly run down lately."

"You've probably been doing too much work for the church." the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."

As they left, the elder doc said, "Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?"

"Well just like you did at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed."

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What is a Tragedy

The Reverends Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton, while visiting a primary school class, found themselves in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked both men if they would like to lead the discussion of the word "tragedy". So the illustrious Rev Jackson asks the class for an example of a "tragedy".



One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy." No," says the Great Jesse Jackson, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy." I'm afraid not," explains the exalted Reverend Al. "That's what we would call a great loss. " The room goes silent. No other children volunteered.

Reverend Al searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally at the back of the room little Johnny raises
his hand. In a stern voice he says: "If a plane carrying the Reverends Jackson and Sharpton were struck by a missile and blown to smithereens that
would be a tragedy." Fantastic!" exclaims Jackson and Sharpton, "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says little Johnny, "because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be an accident either!!!

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