BBQ

After four long months of cold and winter, we are finally coming up to spring and BBQ season. Therefore, it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this outdoor cooking ritual, as it's the only type of cooking a real man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved.

When a man volunteers to do the BBQ, the following chain of events are put into motion:

1. The woman buys the food.
2. The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.

Here comes the important part:
4. THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

Then:
5. The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
6. The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.

Important again:
7. THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.
8. The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces and brings them to the table.
9. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes. And most important of all:
10. Everyone PRAISES THE MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
11. The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off" and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women!

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two guys looking for their wives

Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around Home Depot when they collide.

The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?

The young guy says, "Well, she's a redhead with blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing a blue midriff tank-top and white shorts. What does your wife look like?"

The old guy says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."

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Prison or Work

Just in case you ever get these two environments mixed up, this should make things a little bit clearer.

IN PRISON..........you spend the majority of your time in a 10x10 cell.
AT WORK............you spend the majority of your time in an 8x8 cubicle.

IN PRISON.........you get three "free" meals a day.
AT WORK...........you get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON..........you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK............you get more work for good behavior.

IN PRISON..........the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK............you must often carry a security card and open all the doors for yourself.

IN PRISON..........you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...........you could get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON.........you get your own toilet.
AT WORK..........you have to share the toilet with some people who pee on the seat.

IN PRISON..........they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK............you aren't even supposed to speak to your family.

IN PRISON.........all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK............you get to pay all your expenses to go to work, and they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON..........you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK ..........you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON .........you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK...........they are called managers.

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Dr. Appointment

It was a busy morning, approximately 8:30 a.m., when an elderly
gentleman in his 80s, arrived to have stitches removed from his thumb. He stated that he was in a hurry as he had an appointment at 9:00 am.

I took his vital signs and had him take a seat, knowing it would be over an hour before someone would to able to see him. I saw him looking at his watch and decided, since I was not busy with another patient, I would evaluate his wound.

On examination, it was well healed, so I talked to one of the doctors,
got the needed supplies to remove his sutures and redress his wound.

While taking care of his wound, we began to engage in conversation. I
asked him if he had another doctor's appointment this morning, as he was in such a hurry. The gentleman told me no, that he needed to go to the nursing home to eat breakfast with his wife.

I then inquired as to her health. He told me that she had been there for a while and that she was a victim of Alzheimer's disease. As we talked, I asked if she would be upset if he was a bit late. He replied that she no longer knew who he was, that she had not recognized him in five years now.

I was surprised, and asked him, "And you still go every morning, even
though she doesn't know who you are?"

He smiled as he patted my hand and said, "She doesn't know me, but I
still know who she is."

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Hooker

A man is walking around New York with his wife. They find

a perfume shop, the wife goes in, and he waits outside.

A hooker comes along and says to him,

"Like to come home with me, buddy? "

"For how much?" asks the man.

"One hundred dollars," the hooker answers.

"I'll give you five bucks," he replies.

The hooker swears at him and walks away. A little later, the

man's wife comes out of the shop and they continue their walk. As

they round the corner, there stands the same hooker. She takes

one look at the man and his wife and says,

"HA! see what you get for five bucks?"



** No offense

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Lucky Drink

A man wakes up with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open
his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins
and a glass of water on the side table. He sees his clothing
in front of him, all cleaned and pressed. He looks around the
room and sees it is in perfect order. So's the rest of the
house. He takes his aspirins and notices a note on the table:

Honey,
Breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping.
I Love you.

He goes to the kitchen. Sure enough, a hot breakfast and the
morning newspaper await him. His son is also at the table,
eating. The man asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 a.m., drunk and
delirious. You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway,
and gave yourself a black eye when you walked into the door."

Confused, the man asks, "So why is everything in order and
so clean, with breakfast on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom,
and when she tried to take your pants off you shouted,

"LADY, GET YOUR DAMNED HANDS OFF OF ME! I'M MARRIED!"

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Mother inlaw

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.

My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later, I get into the cab . "Sorry I took so long," I said, as we drove away. "That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"

The cab driver hit a parked car...

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That Letter

Dear Husband

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today. That was the last straw for me.

Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had got my hair and nails done, cooked your favourite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes. Then you went straight to sleep after watching the game on television.

You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything. Either you're cheating with another woman or you don't love me anymore. Whichever is the case, I'm gone.

Signed: Your Ex-Wife



P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your friend Carl and I are moving away to West California together! Have a great life!



**************

Dear Ex-Wife

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watched so much sport on television to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad it didn't work.

I did notice when you cut off all your hair last week. The first thing that came to mind was, "You look just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say something nice. When you cooked my favourite meal, you must have got me confused with my Friend Carl, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.

I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my friend had just borrowed $50 from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out.

So when I discovered that I had won the lotto for $10 million, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to the Bahamas. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you now have the fulfilling life you always wanted.

My lawyer said because of the letter that you wrote to me, you won't get another cent from me. So take care.

Signed: Rich as Hell and Free!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my friend, was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.

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the stages of life

Teen age:

Have Time + Energy … but No Money








Working Age:

Have Money + Energy …but No Time







Old age:

Have Time + Money … but no Energy

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Rima Fakih, Miss USA 2010

Miss Michigan 2010, Rima Fakih made history after becoming the first Arab-American to be crowned Miss USA 2010.

Fakih, who is of Lebanese Muslim descent, resides in Dearborn, Michigan, which is home to a large Arab-American community.

The win is being seen as a welcome event especially at a time when Arabs in the US have been stereotyped in a negative light ever since the terror attacks on September 11, 2001.

The 24-year-old was born in New York in 1986, raised in Dearborn with her parents and her younger brother Rami.

Fakih told pageant officials that her family celebrates both Muslim and Christian faiths.

Asked how she felt after winning the crown during the primetime NBC telecast, Fakih replied: "Ask me after I've had a pizza."

Fakih is the first ever Arab-American to win the title, the first ever Muslim-American Miss USA and the first Miss Michigan to become Miss USA since Kenya Moore in 1993.

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Best female driver for 2010

NO.10




No.9



No.8



No.7



No.6



No.5



No.4



Bronze Medal



Silver Medal



& Last

***

Gold Medal Winner



wow!!

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Night Out in Texas

Daughter: My friends and I want to go out tonight.


Mother : Where are y'all going ?


Daughter: To the cowboy bar on the edge of town.


Mother : I don't think you should. There's been a lot of trouble at that place. I heard there was a fight there last weekend, and several people got hurt.


Daughter: But mom!! Please!! It'll be okay.


Mother: No!! Your life is more important than going out!


Daughter : But Tina' is going with us...


Mother: Oh WELL! In that case, it should be okay. Y'all have fun!




Which one do YOU think is "Tina"?

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The way to heaven

A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery store. As he waited, he was approached by a man called Terry who asked, "Son, can you tell me where the Post Office is?"

The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a
Coupla blocks and turn to your right."

Terry thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town. I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get to Heaven."

The little boy replied with a chuckle. "Awww, come on... You don't even know the way to the Post Office."

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