Doctor screw up's

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.

Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX


* * * * * * * * * * * * *

At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," remorsefully replied the patient.

Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA


* * * * * * * * * * * *

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."

Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada


* * * * * * * * * *

I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.

Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA


* * * * * * * * * * * * *

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered, "Why, not for about twenty years -- when my husband was alive."

Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR


* * * * * * * * * * *

I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So, how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."

Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI


* * * * * * * * * * * * *

And Finally . . . . .

A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarrassed performing female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed him. He looked up from his work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener'."

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Be Careful What You Wish For

A guy walks into a bar, sits down next to another fellow and immediately notices that the guy has a very large disposable Bic cigarette lighter. The first guy says: "Wow, cool lighter. Where did you get it?"


The second guy replies: "A genie from a bottle granted me one wish."


"Great, can I try it?" the first guy asks.


"Sure," the second guy replies.


The first guy rubs the bottle and the genie appears. "You are granted one wish," says the genie.


The first guy says: "I want a million bucks!"


"Done," says the genie and disappears.


A few minutes go by, and suddenly the bar door swings open and thousands and thousands of ducks start pouring in.


"I can't believe this," says the first guy: "I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"


The second guy turns to him and says: "Do you really think I wished for a 12-inch Bic?"

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Bush and Clinton at the barber shop

George W. Bush and Bill Clinton somehow ended up at the same barbershop. As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics. As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Clinton in his chair reached for the aftershave.

Clinton was quick to stop him saying, "No thanks, my wife, Hillary, will smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse."
The second barber turned to Bush and said, "How about you Mr. President?"
Bush replied, "Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."

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Nursing Home

One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for.

The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up.

Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning. Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home.

"So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask.

"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart."

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Messed up Family Tree

Many many years ago
when I was twenty three,
I got married to a widow
who was pretty as could be.

This widow had a grown-up daughter
who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her,
and soon the two were wed.

This made my dad my son-in-law
And changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother,
For she was my father's wife.

To complicate the matters worse,
Although it brought me joy,
I soon became the father
Of a bouncing baby boy.

My little baby then became
A brother-in-law to dad.
And so became my uncle,
Though it made me very sad.

For if he was my uncle,
Then that also made him brother
To the widow's grown-up daughter
Who, of course, was my step-mother.

Father's wife then had a son,
Who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson,
For he was my daughter's son.

My wife is now my mother's mother
And it makes me blue.
Because, although she is my wife,
She is my grandma too.

If my wife is my grandmother,
Then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it,
It simply drives me wild.

For now I have become
The strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother,
I am my own grandpa.

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If Women controlled the World

A WOMEN’S WORLD: What it may be like …

Thats what toilets would look like




Floral bowling alleys



Simple car dealerships


Mouse/make-up




Parking for women




Girly speedometer




Press "any key"



Word office for women

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What All Politicians Should Understand

While walking down the street one day a female head of state is tragically hit by a truck and dies. Her soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. (Maybe it's Hillary Clinton?)

"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the lady.

"Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."




"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the head of state.

"I'm sorry but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts her to the elevator and she goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and she finds herself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all her friends and other politicians who had worked with her, everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet her, hug her, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes.

They are having such a good time that, before she realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives her a big hug and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for her.

"Now it's time to visit Heaven." So 24 hours pass with the head of state joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before she realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity."

She reflects for a minute, then the head of state answers: "Well, I would never have said it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell."

So Saint Peter escorts her to the elevator and she goes down, down, down to Hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and she is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. She sees all her friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. The Devil comes over to her and lays his arm on her neck.

"I don't understand," stammers the head of state. Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and club and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.

The Devil looks at her, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted for us!" What All Politicians Should Understand

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First Aid

A squad of Marines drove up the highway between Basra and Baghdad.

They came upon an Iraqi soldier badly injured and unconscious, laying in the middle of the road!

Nearby on the opposite side of the road was an American soldier in a similar state, but he was alert.

As first aid was given to both soldiers, they were asked what had happened.

The Marine responded, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway. Coming south was a heavily armed Iraqi soldier."

"What happened then?", the corpsman asked.

"I yelled at him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable piece of shit, and the Iraqi soldier yelled back at me that Tom Daschle, Ted Kennedy, and Bill Clinton were ALL miserable pieces of shit."

"We were standing there shaking hands when the truck hit us."

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Bad day

This little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink. He's been sitting there for half an hour when this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig.

The poor little guy starts crying.

"Come on man, I was just giving you a hard time," says the truck driver. "I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy between sobs. "I can't do anything right. I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me.

When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I have no insurance. I grabbed a cab home but, after the cab left, I discovered my wallet was left in the cab. At home I found my wife in bed screwing the gardener. So I came to this bar and was thinking about putting an end to my life, and then you show up and drink the damn poison.

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Need A Bad Day to Get Into Heaven

It got crowded in heaven so, for one day and one day only, it was decided to only accept people who had really bad day on the day they died.


St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died." The man said, "Oh, it was awful.
I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, of which I died from."
St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in. He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"

St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job. "Tell me about the day you died?” he said to the third man in line. "OK, picture this; I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."

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Mini skirt

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman who
was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight mini skirt. As the bus
stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her
skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she
reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this
would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step, and, once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step. About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist
and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"
The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we were
friends."

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Deep thoughts

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?
The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.

"Yes I do" she replies.

The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"

"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?"

"I remember that too" she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said......
I would have gotten out today."

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Young Doctor

A doctor was retiring and a younger doctor came in to replace him. The older doctor suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to a new doctor.
At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sick to my stomach."

The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"

As they left the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman. How'd you come to your diagnosis so quickly?"
"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what was probably making her sick."

"Huh," the younger doctor said, "pretty clever. I think I'll try that at the next house."

Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did. "I'm feeling terribly run down lately."

"You've probably been doing too much work for the church." the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."

As they left, the elder doc said, "Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?"

"Well just like you did at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed."

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What is a Tragedy

The Reverends Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton, while visiting a primary school class, found themselves in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked both men if they would like to lead the discussion of the word "tragedy". So the illustrious Rev Jackson asks the class for an example of a "tragedy".



One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy." No," says the Great Jesse Jackson, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy." I'm afraid not," explains the exalted Reverend Al. "That's what we would call a great loss. " The room goes silent. No other children volunteered.

Reverend Al searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally at the back of the room little Johnny raises
his hand. In a stern voice he says: "If a plane carrying the Reverends Jackson and Sharpton were struck by a missile and blown to smithereens that
would be a tragedy." Fantastic!" exclaims Jackson and Sharpton, "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says little Johnny, "because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be an accident either!!!

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Casino Blonde

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table.

A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet $20,000 on a
single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when
I'm completely nude."

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled,
"Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed...
"YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings
and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

MORAL: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.

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Men Are Happier People

Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures?

Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Wedding dress $5000, Tux rental-$100.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park, You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

share this to the women who can handle it and to the men who will enjoy
reading it.

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The picture

After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man on her night

stand by the bed.

He begins to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.

"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.

"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

"No, no, no!!!" she answers.

"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.

"That's me before the surgery."

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Three brazilian

In a Cabinet meeting, Donald Rumsfeld reported to the President and the cabinet.

He said, "Three Brazilian soldiers were killed today in Iraq."

The President says, "Oh, my God!" and buries his head in his hands.

The entire Cabinet is stunned. Not a word is spoken.

Usually George Bush shows no reaction whatsoever to this kind of report.

Just then, Bush looks up and says, "How many is a brazilian?"

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Make a woman happy

It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. give her lots of attention, but expect little
yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about
where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Show up naked
2. Bring Beer

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My Point Exactly!

check-up...





When asked how he was feeling, the 86-year-old replied,

“Things are just great and I've never felt better.'

I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.

'So what do you think about that Doc?”




The Doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.


'I have an elderly friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season.'




One day he was setting off to go hunting.

In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.'
'As he neared a lake , he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge.



He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature.

Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'Bang Bang'.'


'Incredibly, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.


Now, what do you think of that?' asked the Doctor.


The 86-year-old thought for a minute and said,


'Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.'


The Doctor replied, 'My point exactly!’

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How old am I?

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spend $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 32," is the reply.

"Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily. A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29." The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50."

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."

Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you!"

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay...How old am I?"

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, "Madam, you are 50."

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?"

The old man says, "Promise you won't get mad?"

"I promise I won't." she says.

"I was behind you in line at McDonald's."

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Read This And Have A Laugh!

A bus stops and 2 men get on. They sit down and engage in an
animated conversation.

The lady next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is
galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once more!
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one last time!

The lady can't take this anymore. " You foul-mouthed sex
obsessed pig!" she said accusingly. " In this country, we don't speak aloud
in public places about our sex lives!"

One of the men replied , " Hey coola downa lady."
"Who a talkin'abouta sexa?"
"I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella " Mississippi " !"

I bet you're gonna read this again!

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BBQ

After four long months of cold and winter, we are finally coming up to spring and BBQ season. Therefore, it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this outdoor cooking ritual, as it's the only type of cooking a real man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved.

When a man volunteers to do the BBQ, the following chain of events are put into motion:

1. The woman buys the food.
2. The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.

Here comes the important part:
4. THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

Then:
5. The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
6. The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.

Important again:
7. THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.
8. The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces and brings them to the table.
9. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes. And most important of all:
10. Everyone PRAISES THE MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
11. The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off" and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women!

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two guys looking for their wives

Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around Home Depot when they collide.

The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?

The young guy says, "Well, she's a redhead with blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing a blue midriff tank-top and white shorts. What does your wife look like?"

The old guy says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."

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Prison or Work

Just in case you ever get these two environments mixed up, this should make things a little bit clearer.

IN PRISON..........you spend the majority of your time in a 10x10 cell.
AT WORK............you spend the majority of your time in an 8x8 cubicle.

IN PRISON.........you get three "free" meals a day.
AT WORK...........you get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON..........you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK............you get more work for good behavior.

IN PRISON..........the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK............you must often carry a security card and open all the doors for yourself.

IN PRISON..........you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...........you could get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON.........you get your own toilet.
AT WORK..........you have to share the toilet with some people who pee on the seat.

IN PRISON..........they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK............you aren't even supposed to speak to your family.

IN PRISON.........all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK............you get to pay all your expenses to go to work, and they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON..........you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK ..........you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON .........you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK...........they are called managers.

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Dr. Appointment

It was a busy morning, approximately 8:30 a.m., when an elderly
gentleman in his 80s, arrived to have stitches removed from his thumb. He stated that he was in a hurry as he had an appointment at 9:00 am.

I took his vital signs and had him take a seat, knowing it would be over an hour before someone would to able to see him. I saw him looking at his watch and decided, since I was not busy with another patient, I would evaluate his wound.

On examination, it was well healed, so I talked to one of the doctors,
got the needed supplies to remove his sutures and redress his wound.

While taking care of his wound, we began to engage in conversation. I
asked him if he had another doctor's appointment this morning, as he was in such a hurry. The gentleman told me no, that he needed to go to the nursing home to eat breakfast with his wife.

I then inquired as to her health. He told me that she had been there for a while and that she was a victim of Alzheimer's disease. As we talked, I asked if she would be upset if he was a bit late. He replied that she no longer knew who he was, that she had not recognized him in five years now.

I was surprised, and asked him, "And you still go every morning, even
though she doesn't know who you are?"

He smiled as he patted my hand and said, "She doesn't know me, but I
still know who she is."

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Hooker

A man is walking around New York with his wife. They find

a perfume shop, the wife goes in, and he waits outside.

A hooker comes along and says to him,

"Like to come home with me, buddy? "

"For how much?" asks the man.

"One hundred dollars," the hooker answers.

"I'll give you five bucks," he replies.

The hooker swears at him and walks away. A little later, the

man's wife comes out of the shop and they continue their walk. As

they round the corner, there stands the same hooker. She takes

one look at the man and his wife and says,

"HA! see what you get for five bucks?"



** No offense

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Lucky Drink

A man wakes up with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open
his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins
and a glass of water on the side table. He sees his clothing
in front of him, all cleaned and pressed. He looks around the
room and sees it is in perfect order. So's the rest of the
house. He takes his aspirins and notices a note on the table:

Honey,
Breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping.
I Love you.

He goes to the kitchen. Sure enough, a hot breakfast and the
morning newspaper await him. His son is also at the table,
eating. The man asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 a.m., drunk and
delirious. You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway,
and gave yourself a black eye when you walked into the door."

Confused, the man asks, "So why is everything in order and
so clean, with breakfast on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom,
and when she tried to take your pants off you shouted,

"LADY, GET YOUR DAMNED HANDS OFF OF ME! I'M MARRIED!"

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Mother inlaw

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.

My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later, I get into the cab . "Sorry I took so long," I said, as we drove away. "That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"

The cab driver hit a parked car...

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That Letter

Dear Husband

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today. That was the last straw for me.

Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had got my hair and nails done, cooked your favourite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes. Then you went straight to sleep after watching the game on television.

You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything. Either you're cheating with another woman or you don't love me anymore. Whichever is the case, I'm gone.

Signed: Your Ex-Wife



P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your friend Carl and I are moving away to West California together! Have a great life!



**************

Dear Ex-Wife

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watched so much sport on television to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad it didn't work.

I did notice when you cut off all your hair last week. The first thing that came to mind was, "You look just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say something nice. When you cooked my favourite meal, you must have got me confused with my Friend Carl, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.

I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my friend had just borrowed $50 from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out.

So when I discovered that I had won the lotto for $10 million, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to the Bahamas. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you now have the fulfilling life you always wanted.

My lawyer said because of the letter that you wrote to me, you won't get another cent from me. So take care.

Signed: Rich as Hell and Free!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my friend, was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.

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the stages of life

Teen age:

Have Time + Energy … but No Money








Working Age:

Have Money + Energy …but No Time







Old age:

Have Time + Money … but no Energy

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Rima Fakih, Miss USA 2010

Miss Michigan 2010, Rima Fakih made history after becoming the first Arab-American to be crowned Miss USA 2010.

Fakih, who is of Lebanese Muslim descent, resides in Dearborn, Michigan, which is home to a large Arab-American community.

The win is being seen as a welcome event especially at a time when Arabs in the US have been stereotyped in a negative light ever since the terror attacks on September 11, 2001.

The 24-year-old was born in New York in 1986, raised in Dearborn with her parents and her younger brother Rami.

Fakih told pageant officials that her family celebrates both Muslim and Christian faiths.

Asked how she felt after winning the crown during the primetime NBC telecast, Fakih replied: "Ask me after I've had a pizza."

Fakih is the first ever Arab-American to win the title, the first ever Muslim-American Miss USA and the first Miss Michigan to become Miss USA since Kenya Moore in 1993.

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Best female driver for 2010

NO.10




No.9



No.8



No.7



No.6



No.5



No.4



Bronze Medal



Silver Medal



& Last

***

Gold Medal Winner



wow!!

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